Can You Be Gay and Christian? Here’s What No One Tells You
A real journey through deconstruction, self-discovery, and rebuilding a relationship with God
One of the questions I get asked all the time is:
“How do you balance being gay and having a relationship with God?”
And the truth is—It took time to figure that out.
Because for a long time, it didn’t feel like something I could “balance” at all.
It felt like I had to choose.
Choose God… or choose myself.
Choose faith… or choose truth.
Choose belonging… or choose honesty.
And if you’re here, you probably know exactly what that feels like.
This Took Me Years to Understand
I’m in my 40s now, and I’m just getting to a place where I feel fully at peace—both in my identity and in my relationship with God.
That didn’t happen overnight.
For some people it clicks quickly.
For others, like me—it takes years of questioning, unlearning, and rebuilding.
So wherever you are in your journey:
You’re not late. You’re not behind. You’re right on time.
Phase 1: Deconstruction — When Things Stop Making Sense
There comes a point in adulthood—usually in your 20s or 30s—where you start to step back and ask:
What do I actually believe?
Not what I was taught.
Not what my church said.
Not what my family believed.
But what do I believe?
And for me, that’s when things started to unravel.
The Moment I Started Questioning
I began to realize something I had never really thought about before:
The Bible didn’t fall from the sky as one perfect, untouched book.
It’s a collection of:
Letters
Poems
Cultural laws
Stories written by people in a completely different time
Written in a world that looked nothing like ours.
A world where:
Women had almost no rights
Marriage wasn’t about love—it was transactional
Men held all authority, including sexual power
And once I saw that…
I couldn’t unsee it.
So What Was the Bible Actually Talking About?
When people talk about “what the Bible says about homosexuality,” I had to ask:
…what was it actually referring to?
Because it clearly wasn’t talking about:
Two people in love
Mutual, committed relationships
Sexual orientation as we understand it today
It was speaking into a culture built on:
Power
Dominance
Patriarchy
And that context changes everything.
The Hell Question That Changed Everything
Another moment that really shook me was questioning hell.
I had always been taught:
Believe the right thing → go to heaven
Get it wrong → eternal suffering
But something about that never sat right.
So I started asking:
Would a loving God really punish a finite life with infinite torture?
Even as humans, we wouldn’t do that to someone we love.
So why would God?
That question alone cracked something open in me.
Let’s Talk About Sodom and Gomorrah
Because this one comes up constantly.
We were taught it was about homosexuality.
But when you actually look at scripture, it points to:
Violence
Injustice
Abuse
Lack of compassion
And the specific story people reference?
It’s about attempted gang rape—not love, not relationships, not identity.
And yet, that story has been used for decades to shame LGBTQ+ people.
That disconnect was impossible for me to ignore.
Phase 2: Becoming Conscious — The Inner Work
This is where things got real.
Because deconstruction isn’t just about theology.
It’s about you.
You Don’t Just Become a “Good Person” Overnight
I started realizing something uncomfortable:
You can:
Go to church
Know scripture
Call yourself a Christian
And still:
Hurt people
Act from trauma
Lack self-awareness
I saw it everywhere.
And if I’m being honest…
I saw it in myself too.
The Turning Point: Relationships as Mirrors
One of the biggest shifts in my life came through a relationship that forced me to see myself clearly.
It wasn’t perfect.
It wasn’t even always healthy.
But it was transformational.
Because for the first time, I saw:
My defensiveness
My triggers
My patterns
And I had to ask:
Do I want to keep showing up like this?
That relationship softened me.
It changed the way I communicate.
It changed the way I love.
And honestly—it changed the way I see God.
The Stories We Carry (And How They Shape Everything)
We all walk through life carrying stories:
I’m not enough
People leave
I have to earn love
But here’s what I learned:
Those aren’t truths. They’re interpretations.
They’re meanings we attached to moments.
And if we created them…
We can rewrite them.
What Being a Christian Actually Requires
Not just belief.
But transformation.
It looks like:
Self-reflection
Emotional growth
Taking responsibility for how you impact others
Because without that?
You don’t become Christlike.
You just become more certain.
Phase 3: Reconstruction — Rebuilding Something Real
After everything broke down…
I had to rebuild.
But this time, I asked a different question:
Who was Jesus—really?
And the Answer Was Simple
Jesus:
Challenged religious leaders
Broke rules that caused harm
Uplifted the marginalized
Led with love, not control
Over and over again, he chose:
People over rules.
Rethinking “Sin” Altogether
When Jesus said, “Go and sin no more,” I don’t believe he was talking about identity.
I believe he was saying:
Stop harming yourself.
Stop living in ways that destroy you.
So I started asking:
Is this bringing life into me?
Is this making me more loving?
Is this helping me grow?
And my relationship?
It wasn’t destructive.
It was the opposite.
It made me:
More grounded
More loving
More connected to God
So how could that be wrong?
So… Can You Be Gay and Christian?
Here’s what I’ve come to believe:
Being a Christian isn’t about:
Your sexuality
Your label
Or how perfectly you follow rules
It’s about:
How you love
How you grow
How you treat people
How you become more like Jesus
And if you:
Feel God in your life
Desire to love and serve others
Are growing, learning, and evolving
Then you already have a relationship with Him.
No one else gets to take that from you.
Final Thought
There are people who call themselves Christian who don’t live like Jesus.
And there are LGBTQ+ people who do.
So no—
This isn’t black and white.
You Don’t Have to Choose
You don’t have to choose between:
Faith and identity
God and yourself
Truth and love
You can be both.
✨ If This Resonated
If you’re walking this road, you’re not alone.
🎧 Listen to the You Can Be Both podcast
💬 Join the community
🤝 Book a one-on-one call
We’re in this together.
